Motherhood, Boundaries, and Reclaiming Your Identity | Kendall L. Williams

Episode 8 features Kendall L. Williams, founder of the Mom’s True Tea platform, in a powerful conversation on estrangement, motherhood, identity, and the courage to set boundaries.

Kendall shares her personal journey of becoming a mother at 17 and raising her sons largely on her own, without a co-parent or consistent support system. She opens up about the difficult decision to go no contact with her adult son after years of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, and what it has meant to protect herself while still honoring her role as a mother.

From there, we explore what strength really looks like, especially for women who have been conditioned to endure silently. Together, we unpack the tension between love and accountability, the importance of self-protection, and the process of reclaiming your identity beyond the role of motherhood.

This conversation challenges the idea that motherhood requires self-abandonment. It calls you into a more honest understanding of strength one that includes rest, boundaries, and the willingness to choose yourself even when it is difficult.

What we cover:

• Kendall’s journey into motherhood and raising children without a village
• The decision to go no contact and navigating estrangement
• Redefining strength as rest, self-protection, and walking away when necessary
• Growing up in environments shaped by addiction and abuse
• Losing and rediscovering identity beyond motherhood
• Shifting from being everything to being a consultant to adult children
• Accountability on both sides parents and adult children
• The impact of labeling and redefining what trauma means
• Protecting your peace without guilt
• Reclaiming your identity and moving forward with or without reconciliation

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

You don't have to tolerate chaos and disrespect all the time because we carry the title Mom.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Today I have Kendall here with me. Kendall is the founder of Mom's True Teach. She went viral by telling her story about how she chose to step away from one of her children.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

I didn't know who I was outside of being a mother because I've been doing this for 35 years. There's a difference between being needed and wanted. I don't want my kids to need me. I want you to be a part of my life. But I don't want to feel like we need each other.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Welcome to Capacity Combos. I'm Raquel Hopkins, and this is a space for thoughtful conversations about who we become when life asks more of us. Here we talk with people whose lives and work reflect real capacity, how they stayed engaged, made hard decisions, and grew without shrinking in the face of challenge. This is where we explore what life demanded, and the moment you realize I can hold more than I thought. Today I have another very special guest. All of my guests are special. I'll continue to say that. Kendall is the founder of Mom's True Tea. And she went viral by telling her story about how she chose to step away, or the term, the formal term term is estrangement from one of her children. And today we'll talk about what that what it takes to remove yourself from your child's life. But I also want to hear Kendall's story because I think that she's interesting. And as we go further into this conversation, she'll find out why. I really want to talk to her. And I'm glad that you came to Houston to do this because we this is our second time actually recording. We recorded virtually and it did not work out. And I'm actually glad that it did not.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

I think it was meant to be.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

I I do. I I I agree. I agree. So welcome, Kendall. Introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

Oh man, that's so hard to do when you say introduce yourself. Um, as Raquel said, I am Kendall L. Williams. I am the content creator and the host of Mom's True Tea podcast. And I manage the platform, of course, as a mother. I am estranged from my 30-year-old son. I don't know if we're gonna get into that right now or if you wanted me to. And that is the basis of my platform, is really not just the fact that I'm estranged from my 30-year-old son, which was not easy at all to do. Um, I didn't just wake up one morning and decide that I was not gonna talk to my 30-year-old anymore. He has displayed some very harmful behaviors towards us as family. Um, he has been verbally abusive, he's been emotionally abusive, and just a lot of harmful behaviors that made me make the decision two years ago that I had to step away from my own emotional, physical safety, but also my own emotional safety as well. And it has not been an easy thing at all. Um, you know, mothers who love their children unconditionally, which is most cases, I'm not saying all, because we know there's some trifling mamas too, but I digress. Um, the majority of us, we love our kids unconditionally. And this is not something that has been easy for me. It has been challenging for me. It is still challenging for me, although I have an unapologetic stance on it. And when I say unapologetic, because I tried, we tried, like we've done everything that we possibly could to navigate his behavior and also try to mitigate his behavior. So that was what my platform was built on. And not only that, just speaking on the taboo topics around motherhood, because motherhood is literally the most, the hardest hood to live in. And I don't think I didn't want to say ghetto, but it is the hardest hood for mothers to live in. And I think when you're completely honest, as I've always been around my motherhood journey, I think that that unnerves people because I'm not just doing the warm and fuzzy things. But I really built this platform to really just talk on all those taboo topics, also share my experiences with other mothers and so they can know that they're not alone because I think a lot of moms feel like they're alone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

I do think it's very taboo in the sense that it's okay or it's normalized today to hear that children are estranged from their parents indoor caregivers, but it's not normal. I don't even know if people are even comfortable with a mom saying that I've walked away from my child or that I'm estranged. So for you to be able to one, do the thing and then also share it with the world is it's bold and it's courageous because the first thing that people do is they judge, like, what type of mom are you? What type of mom could you could have been? Because it's never the children's fault. And I tell you why I'm really glad that we recorded this podcast over because one, I think that in person it just feels better. But I started thinking about my own journey. So for those of you that don't know, I lost my mom when I was 11 years old to an overdose. But my mom had me when she was 17 years old. And I thought about how two children can experience someone differently. Now, I'm not saying that my mom was, I mean, I lost her to an overdose, right? So that's that says something. However, she also was this mom that was serious about education and you becoming better than what she was. She was the mom that will run up and down the basketball court for you. And when I think about how my sister and I experienced her differently, I was the kid that had a lot of judgment. And I still believe that there are some things that kids should not have to go through because they don't ask to be here. As I've gotten older, I now understand what it means to be a mom. Because it's much easier to judge as a child, but when you start to realize that no one's really perfect. And just because you decide to have children, it doesn't mean that you have anything figured out. In fact, that is when you start trying to figure everything out. So I kind of wanted to go back to you becoming a mom at 17 because what I will say is at 17, we know that your brain is not fully developed. So I want to hear about that Kindle that has I want to hear about that Kindle. That's who I want to hear about.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

Okay. Yeah. So, like you said, I did I have my older son who's 35 years old now.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

And you look good, by the way. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

I really do 53 yesterday. Happy belated birthday. Thank you, my fellow Python. Yes. So yeah, I becoming a mother at 17 years old, it was shocking. It was shocking in every way. Number one, not shocking. Well, you know you're having sex, so things can happen. Yeah. However, that was not the intention or the expectation. So me becoming pregnant at 17, it took me a long time to adjust to that. It took me a long time in regards to eventually coming home with my son and being like, this is not me babysitting somebody. This is like my kid, and he's not going anywhere. You know, and then not only that, I'm still in high school. I was a senior in high school. I took finals on my mother's bedroom floor because I had him like my last year in high school, and I was finishing up my senior year. And I had all these college plans. I had got accepted to go to college. My entire life had to shift at 17 years old. So yeah, you may not be developed, but you having a baby at 17, and I wasn't in a household where my mother was like, I'm gonna take care of the baby and let you go ahead and finish school and go to college and all these. You laid down and had that baby. My mother was like, That's your baby. Where you go, he go. And you know what? And I took that shit. Oh, sorry. I took that seriously. You know what I'm saying? I was determined, it was two things. I was determined to make sure I was the best mother I could possibly be, even as a young girl, but also to prove something to her, like, okay, you said this is my baby, so that's my baby.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

I let me tell you why I love that. Because when I think I as a kid and all the way into like young adulthood, I used to always wish that my mom had that strength. So my mom was not, she was a high school, she dropped out of high school. And maybe she didn't have the support and all the resources and all of those other things, but she there was so much good about her. Yeah. So when I hear other women's strength, like that was the thing that I prayed for that my mom would have. So when I was thinking about talking to you and like rehabbing this conversation again, and some of the things that I've been reflecting on lately is just even myself as a woman, and having the strength that my mom didn't necessarily have is that balance between how do we acknowledge that we sometimes truly do feel exhausted. However, we don't have to be victim to our strength entirely.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

Because at least for me, what life has taught me is not everybody has strength, not everybody has the ability to truly be strong. They don't. Like my mom, if she had the strength and the will to push through some of the difficult times, maybe the story would have been different. And I don't really know that to be true.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Right? But it feels that way when life presses on you and you don't you kind of fall victim to the circumstances. So I'm curious to know more about your strength and where it comes from. How life has pressed on you.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

Listen, I I don't even know if we have enough time to go into that. Sometimes I'm like, girl, I think you are a sociopath. Because the things that I have experienced, again, not just being a 17-year-old girl having a baby. My son's father was a football player. He went on to move around the cabin like he didn't have a kid and still does to this day, as far as my son is concerned. And I was never the one to chase. I was always of the mind, you know, you have a kid, just like I know I have a kid. So you have a responsibility, but I'm also not going to force that responsibility on you. So you have that component of me being a teenage mom. Not only that, like I said earlier, I grew up in a home where I witnessed domestic abuse from my father to my mother. And my father also dealt with addiction for a long time. Um, and then my mother was angry, I believe, a lot of times too, because of all the pressure that she dealt with. So the way that she disciplined me, if we look at it today, it would be considered abusive. You know what I'm saying? And we've had conversations around that, not lengthy, but hey, this is how you showed up. But not only that, Raquel, I've experienced so many other things. Like, I was molested when I was younger. Then, you know, you're raising a kid, then you move out, now you're on your own. Now you're in a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Don't cry.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Don't cry, because then you're gonna make me cry. And there are a lot of times that now I feel like I'm in my softest moment with my husband because he allows me to be. I never had the opportunity to be, not have to be strong. I've done I've gone through so much, and then when I got married, I was in that relationship. It was an abusive relationship, verbally, sometimes physically, definitely emotionally. And then you go into another relationship with your son that has been harmful and toxic for years with his behavior. There, and then you uh add the other self that you working in corporate America as a black woman, you know what I'm saying? All the other traumatic things that you did, family dynamics, friendship dynamics, people who have hurt you. And there is a lot of times I used to be like, I don't know if I'm crazy or I have just become numb to it because nobody wants to have to be strong. Like, I don't want to have to be strong, but I'm thankful for my resilience because, like you said, I realize there's a lot of people that don't have our strength. And I look at the addiction that your mother faced and my father faced too. They didn't have the strength to beat that addiction. Where we've probably gone through things that could have pushed us in that direction and we still chose not to, but we also don't know what those factors were that drove them into addiction. You know what I'm saying? And I think for me, I even though my father's gone now, just like yeah, mom, I'm still trying to understand who he is and trying to put these pieces together for both of my parents, actually. And I did a podcast episode, I think like a year ago, finding grace for our parents. And I was just like, how something broke in me during that time spiritually with my dad, even with him not being here, to try to unpack who he really was and what could have driven him to be that person that he was. Because my mama was trying to save him, you know what I'm saying? I'm always trying to save somebody, but I think a lot of times, like you said, that we have everybody doesn't have the strength that some of us do have. And it takes a lot, and it's also exhausting, and I don't think people talk about that enough. Especially, I think. Well, they do. You know what? You're right. And they're space.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

They do talk about it a lot.

SPEAKER_02 15:16

You know what? And I think for me, I never realized that until coming into the content creator space. Like I've never seen it before. Even with some of the moms, I'm just kind of like, I think for me, I'm kind of like, girl, shake that shit off and keep, you know, get up and let's keep moving. You know what I'm saying? Like, okay, and and then I have to realize everybody's not built like me.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Yeah, yeah. I I have a question for you because I really like this conversation, the timing of it is perfect. Because there are I always tell people there are people that motivate you, and then there are people that inspire you. And I'm always motivated by strength. And when I say strength, I'm not referring to people that don't know how to say no, don't know how to stand up for themselves. I think that for how we have looked at strength in the past, I think that it was weakness, it was fragility in a lot of ways, because you can't ignore how you feel or suppress your emotions and think that that is a form of strength because it's not. So I'm curious to know what's your definition of strength today.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Wow. Um, it definitely, now that you mention what you just mentioned, it's not that. That's what you thought, right? You thought like because I can pick it up, and no matter what I'm going through, I can still show up and I can still show up for people. And I think that's what people think strength is. I think for me, strength for me is rest.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:48

I'm learning to rest. Um, strength for me means being unapologetic about who I am, um setting those boundaries and not boundaries to build walls, yeah, but boundaries for bridges, but to protect myself as a former people pleaser. But once you go through paramenopause, menopause and everything that I'm going through, and you ain't got to be. I'm in the early phases. You like sweat. I'm not doing none of this anymore. So I think strength is it's it's in the eye of the beholder, right? On what they feel like. I don't feel like it's what we've always thought. I don't feel like it's, oh, because I can still get up in the morning out to bed, and I've been through hell, that makes her strong. I don't think it's, oh, I'm going through this and I still get up and show up for. I think that's something that my mother taught me. Like I have literally seen the times when her and my dad would be fighting physically. And my mom would go put her makeup back on, yeah, pull herself together, put me in the car, and we're going off to work and to school.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Which brings me strength is also being able to walk away. Absolutely. And that's what you've done as a mom. Yeah. You've said, no longer I'm choosing not to have a relationship with one of my children. And I just want to say that that is strength.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

It's hard though.

SPEAKER_00 18:13

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing though, just because you're strong, it doesn't mean that you still don't feel the weight of life.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Because we do.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

Strong people do feel the weight of life. The problem is, is when we don't acknowledge the weight of life, which brings me to my point when you say that it is hard. Because you have a hard exterior on social media. And now that I know you're a Pisces too, I'm like, she ain't hard like that for real. She really not one side of the fish. Nah, I really am. Now when you I know, trust me, I know. It's that other fit. It's the other side, but I don't want to meet her because they meet her on social media. I want to meet the one that is strong, however, she can acknowledge the weight of life.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

Yeah. And that's that is who I am. That definitely is who I am. Um, because I have acknowledged it. And I think even with me having this conversation and the conversations on my platform, that is me acknowledging life. You know what I'm saying? And the weight of it. It's me acknowledging like parents are dealing with disrespect beyond anything we could have, like egregious disrespect. Not only that, parents are dealing with abuse. Parents are losing their lives at the hands of their kids too. And those are the conversations that I believe that bring my that give me that strength to talk about that. Because I get DMs and comments all the time. This is where I am. So, you know, like you say, you get the brunt of all the negativity, like what type of mom, like to see some, to say somebody for someone to say I abandoned a 30-year-old is insane to me. Because at what point do you acknowledge what I have said as far as the trauma that he has caused his family?

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Well, I think the other thing too, and we're not gonna no, we're not gonna talk about it, but I think that what still doesn't change is that you're a mom and people want to know why. And you that's the piece that you don't owe people because you're as moms, we still protect our children. Absolutely. And I think that that's what you're doing in a lot of ways. You're still protecting your child while finding the balance with speaking your truth and helping so many other women that feel shame and guilt around saying, I don't have to deal with my children, I don't have to force a relationship when they are entitled or because there are a lot of, I mean, it's not so black and white, there's a lot of gray in between. So I don't want you, I actually don't even want you to talk about your son here on this podcast.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

You know, it gets exhausting, you know what I'm saying? Because like you said, I you are I am still trying to protect my son because there's so many things that I could say and have the proof. But I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

And to me, that's the difference because even when I hear children talking about why they are estranged from their parents, they can give you a thousand reasons. And then when I listen to you, I'm like, Kendall ain't really told. I mean, yeah, she said emotional abuse. Yeah, she said he's threatened us, but what the heck does that mean? And that's the people really want to know because it sounds like, and I think it's the judgment too. People will look at your strength and they will judge your strength and your you being unapologetic, and they're like, You did it. Oh, absolutely. You're the problem. So I I want to make sure I I wanted to say that on the podcast. This is a mom that's still protecting her child in a lot of ways.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

Yeah, in all the ways, you know, because like you said, I I don't I'm not about to lay out everything that my son's done. Yeah. Because I do love him and I am protecting him in that regard. And like you said, I don't owe anybody any full on explanations about what he has done. I just know that I don't make it any type of habit to get online and have untrue conversations. So, you know, but yeah, like we said, we're not we don't even need to really go into that detail. But yeah, I believe that that takes strength for me to have that courage. And like you said, people look at they look at the exterior package and my in my demeanor, my, you know, me being confident, me being unapologetic. And I'm like, would you prefer me to be broken? I've been broken. Like this is my phase of strength in no in no longer being broken.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

Because it's everything has already broken me. The things that I have experienced. Not just with him, just in life in general. And I'm like, could more things happen? Absolutely, God forbid if they did. But at the same time, this is me now in a place of strength. To be very open and honest. Which again, I've always been very open and honest. But being able to boldly say it, that that is a sign of strength. And then also, like I said, taking those moments of just like, you know what? This is what it is. And I'm gonna fall back for a little bit and rest. There's strength in rest, too.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know that you can truly be strong and not take rest. That does it just doesn't make any sense to me. I'm for the moms that are you that you are helping today, I'm curious. What is one DM that you've seen that has really like pulled on your heartstring? I'm sure you get many, because I get a lot in my inbox that where some of them like my eyes well up from just reading it sometimes. So what's one where you like, wow, like me, me showing up in what I define as strength today is truly helping and serving people because when you operate from that people-pleasing place, yeah, you don't usually really serve anybody, right? It's like a short-term thing, and you serve yourself usually because you don't want the discomfort. So now that you're no longer people-pleasing, you're being unapologetically you like, how is that helping moms?

SPEAKER_02 24:19

Being bold for them to finally speak their truth or say things out loud. Literally, some of the birthday wishes I got was like, thank you for being the voice to say the things that I haven't had the strength to say out loud. You gotta say some of those things.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Oh my gosh. Um what you be calling these kids out, these adult children.

SPEAKER_02 24:39

They hate to see me coming. I don't want to hate to see me coming. So that well, to answer the question around the demon, that's one. Um things when I see people mom moms have said I was considering taking my life. Like that's a real thing that people don't think it's true. Like, people even took issue and made that problematic when I said that there are mothers that are considering taking their own lives or have considered or have taken their own lives as a result of them being estranged from their children. Is there a deeper issue? Absolutely. It's not just because their child is no longer talking to them, but I think moms are so accustomed to being needed and their validation is completely wrapped up into being a mother. That's why I preach reclaim your identity. That's why I wrote the book, Reclaiming Your Identity. Because do you know how many moms don't even know who they are outside of being someone's mom? I didn't know who I was outside of being a mother because I've been doing this for 35 years of my life, and I didn't know who Kendall was. I didn't start discovering me really until about my 50s when I turned 50. And that's when I was like, okay, I'm I'm a consultant now. Like, do not come to me for every damn thing. Go to Google, go to ChatGPT, and then if you don't understand the answer, let me be the last result. I literally had that conversation with both of my sons because they were. I have been that person. I have been their person. I've been their mom. I will never say I've been their dad because I'm not a dad.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

I I love that you say that. Yeah, but I love that you say that because there's a place for mom and daddy.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

I have been everything to them. I've been the only person they call. I've been the only person by their bedside when they're sick. I have always been the one that was fixing things that I did not break, even within them, trying to overcompensate for what was lacking or any abandonment and still trying to heal the abandoned little girl that I was. Because we got to talk, you know what I'm saying? Conversations that we don't talk about because we don't talk about the trauma that some of the parents or mothers have experienced because they have pushed that trauma to the side. Does it spill onto their kids in some cases? Absolutely. I acknowledge that fact.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

But I know what have you forgiven yourself for in order for you to get to this place.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

What have I forgiven myself for? Enabling, overcompensating, taking stock, and you know what? I could have let them fall a little bit more. I didn't have to rescue every time. But then and then also saying, but these are my kids and they don't have anybody else but me. I've said that so many times. But they don't have anybody else over me. Yeah, they can talk to me. Yeah, they could do these things to me. Yeah, they could dump their chaos on me because I'm the only person that they have. So those are the conversations that I have with myself. That is the self-reflection that I have. Like, you know what? You could have let them fall. You could have let them figure it out. And you could have let them fix it.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

So have you forgiving yourself for just is you are appearing at 17. Have you forgiven yourself for even being appearing that young and just not knowing like how to do it? Because I don't even think it's about age. I think none of us really know how to do it.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

Yeah, I've never blamed that little girl. Okay. I've never blamed that. So you strong, strong. Girl, listen, we can have some more careers. Really? Like, yeah, I've never blamed that little girl. Never. And you know, my older son was like, Mom, I never when he saw the podcast with me talking about I feel like I had PTSD from my experiences as a mom, he said, Mom, I never knew you felt that way. I never knew you felt that way. And we had to have some open and honest conversations. Like, I love y'all. Like, I love you both unconditionally. But motherhood is exhausting.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Motherhood was really, you found navigating it for you was very difficult. It we it was. And that's you being honest about your truth. Like this. Absolutely. You know, we all have different things that we find challenging. And some of us will never say that motherhood is exhausting. Like for for me, like if I would think for my I think that marriage is harder than being a mom is.

SPEAKER_02 29:32

Really?

SPEAKER_00 29:33

I do.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

And only because I view it differently in the sense that like I had them kids. Like they're your responsibility. But I think that marriage is like this constant, it's not even constant, because we're we're lucky, we're in a really good season right now. We're in a really good season. But we've had our down seasons, and for me, it's you know, like when you get upset, it's like, oh, I get I I don't need this, I can walk away. You don't can't do that. I don't feel that same way when it comes to my children. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:05

Because you can't walk away. You know what I'm saying? Like you like you make a great point, but yeah, that's what makes it challenging with the fact that you are overstimulated in some cases. And again, maybe that's not your experience, but if you're overstimulated and then you also have a partner, I didn't have that.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:24

You I didn't have a village, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 30:27

I think it's something to be said about um being because I couldn't imagine being single and raising my boys. I do believe in unions. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

And and and that that's what makes it challenging when you are the sole person. Like your kids can go to you and your husband.

SPEAKER_00 30:52

Or I can just say, hey, can you get your kids? Get your kids.

SPEAKER_02 30:55

Or you can be like, you know what, I'm going to get my nails done. That's gonna be my downtime. When you are a single mother, and there are some single married mothers too, because just because you're married doesn't necessarily mean you have a partner that is really helping you with their children. But like you said, you can't imagine that. But try to imagine someone who is solely responsible for every single thing as it relates to your children. That is exhausting. It is exhausting, and that is where I was coming from when it came to that. I would have was it exhausting because that's not how you imagine your life, though? Oh, yeah. It was that was part of it. Okay. It was exhausting, number one, because like you said, I believe in union. I've always believed in union. Yeah. Um, and I always believed there I was gonna be husband, wife, but also in a good relationship.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

Because you had it sounds like you had dreams, you had ambitions, you knew what you wanted. Even though I got pregnant at 17, it still didn't change the trajectory of how my life could be. Maybe it shifted it a little bit. So have you forgiving yourself for that then?

SPEAKER_02 32:02

I again, not so much of forgiveness, but more of, you know, you did it in spite of.

SPEAKER_00 32:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

You did it in spite of. You still got the degree. It came much later. You still got the degree. Um, you still did the things that you wanted to do, and still doing the things that you wanted to do. I don't feel like there was a need to forgive myself for that. I think it was a need for me to acknowledge, damn girl, you still did it. Okay. In spite of okay. Definitely. Okay, yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

All right, I want some of your humor now.

unknown 32:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Because I I I always I always want to meet the person too. Like I want to meet the person, so thank you for sharing that. Yeah. Tell us about these adult children, some of the craziest things that you've heard that they say. Yeah. That's what and then I this this your show now. You do what you do on social media because I want to hear I want to uh I want to hear it. They hate me. They hate me.

SPEAKER_02 33:09

You're gonna make them mad with me even more, and they can stay mad. Like I said, I'm gonna help find the balance. When I say that, I mean that. You know why? Because again, I believe that I'm a mirror to hold up for them to see themselves. But the unfortunate part is they get so triggered that they don't they miss the message um or they don't comprehend the message because their immediate reaction is to come in and deflect you must be a butt-bad mom. You failed. Um, how many times have I said I am no contact with my son? And they still come in and say, That's why your kids don't talk to you, or I can see why you're no contact. And I'm like, you motherfuckers just y'all must what the fuck? Like, seriously. Like, how many times have I said that I am no contact with my son? And not in a bragging way, just for clarity. Like, I'm acknowledging the chores. And and they still will come in and say the same thing. Some of this, first of all, the rhetoric is regurgitated, the same things are said all the time. Parents are narcissistic. Um, again, your kids with no contact with you. Be accountable. What am I accountable to you for? I'm not your mama, so I don't need to be accountable to you for anything. Oh, these are the additional children that are actually commenting and coming. Okay, okay. So I feel like the conversation is repetitive and the same talking points are being made. But as it relates to some of the dumbest things that I've heard, and I say it's the dumbest shit that I've ever heard, I've heard things like you traumatize me because you wouldn't let me eat seafood with butter. And now I love seafood with butter, and it's made me fat. And I'm like, that's a what the fuck moment. But literally, moms, moms send me this stuff, or they comment, um, or you didn't teach me how to balance a checkbook. So now I'm not good with finances.

SPEAKER_00 35:23

You know, I think there's something to be said about how we talk about therapy and mental health today, and just like childhood and parenting, this idea that you could possibly teach your children everything that didn't because what is what else is left for you to actually explore and become for yourself if I literally teach you everything. Like you can't even, we just talked about how hard motherhood can be. I'm still learning some things too. Like, maybe I can learn something from you too. And I think about it, my my niece, I I love her to death, and she she was like, Auntie, why you never shout me out on these podcasts? So this is my shout-out. But she was like, My mom, she didn't teach me how to comb my hair. And I'm like, comb your hair comb your hair.

SPEAKER_02 36:12

Or how about we acknowledge that's because your mother probably combed your hair all the time. So that's the that's the caveat, right? So you see you see things like that, and this is the type of things that some of them are making traumatic. Again, I don't excuse abuse. Yeah, I have said that until I am blue in the face. Yeah. But yet people still do what they're going to do. That is not something that I advocate for. But then when you come in and say I was abused by a parent and I ask questions, okay, if you feel like if you came in here to tell me that, share with me. Because I can tell you that I was beat with extension cords, belts, slapped in the mouth, hangers, and all of those things, and was not deserving of them. Like I can specifically tell you what my experiences were. And it's either they don't come back and respond, or they say something that is so mundane, or my mother cut my hair too short when I was 10 years old. And again, these aren't things that I'm making up. These are things that mothers send to me. Like, you won't believe that my daughter started going to therapy and she came back and she said, it's because I made her eat cereal, or I didn't let them clean because we had a housekeeper. Now I don't know how to take care of my home. Like, and I'm like, I have so many what the fuck moments. Like, are y'all kidding me? Like, you can't be serious.

SPEAKER_00 37:40

How do you believe the conversations around people understanding that their childhood has an impact on them is impacting young adults today?

SPEAKER_02 37:51

I believe that some of the narratives that they are creating, again, not dismissing real abuse, real trauma, because we know it happened. Yeah. Some of us have experienced. I feel like you and I have experienced real trauma at least, if nothing else, right? When it comes to our parents and their addiction. But I feel like some of the narratives that they create are just not real trauma. I think that that's but everybody has the same trauma. Like everybody has to be.

SPEAKER_00 38:26

So the thing with trauma is it is subjective. It's based off of how you interpret your experiences. But I do think that we have to draw a line on some of these things because I would say, even as a as a mom, because I am not perfect by any means. I am not the mom that does not yell sometimes. You that look like a serious. Like I do those, I do those things. Yeah. I do. And I guess I I do think about the emotional aspect of creating issues for my children. Not in a way to where it keep that I'm losing any sleep, though. Because I trust who I am as a mom, and I'm open to apologizing all of all of those things. I think where it really gets gray at, Kendall, is the emotional component. And that's what a lot of adult children are trying to say, but also not understanding that our feelings are not always facts, and you have to develop your emotional capacity over time. I always tell people that I think that your entire childhood can be traumatic because children don't know how to interpret the world, which is where adults come in, at least hopefully responsible, right? Ethically, morally sound adults are giving you guidance to let you know how life works in a lot of ways. Because I mean, just based off the definition of trauma, like your entire childhood, because everything can impact you or make you feel helpless or hopeless because you really don't have any agency.

SPEAKER_02 40:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:16

And that is oftentimes what happens with traumatic situations. It's like you don't have any agency, you don't get to make any choices for yourself. But now what's happening is now that we understand how important it is for people to grow emotionally, it has gotten so gray because it's like, oh, well, you told me that you didn't like my outfit today. Well, I didn't. Right. I didn't. Right. Where's the balance between one you have to learn to trust, like how you want to dress, right? Versus mommy has her own opinion versus me validating everything because you're my child. And I think that's where it's gotten gray because it's like, do we have to validate everything?

SPEAKER_02 41:06

But I feel like that's part of the problem. And that is part of why parents that are estranged from their children, by choice or by force, yeah, that is the line that we can't seem to cross collectively because everything about the estranged child or adult child, it has to be validated.

SPEAKER_00 41:26

Yeah, it's about how you feel.

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Yeah, and my platform is okay, you want to be validated, but why are we not in the same space to validate mothers or validate how they feel or how you may have traumatized them, or you know, so so that is what my platform really is about. It's not just about talking about estranged adults or trying to call them out. It's about there are two sides to this story that needs to be discussed. And that's how parents are experiencing it, what has happened with these parents and these family dynamics, what changed. How do we collectively have a conversation where everybody can be validated and accountability should be reciprocal? Don't just continue to try to force parents because any loving parent, me as a loving mother, a supportive mother, and one who has always shown up for my sons, I take who has also had her own childhood traumatic experiences. And no one's been accountable for me, and I've also haven't been chasing it. I'll never get accountability from my dad because it's not here.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

I probably even if he was, even if he was, I may not.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

You know, my mother gives those, you know, I'm a my mother is in a space now where she finally apologized. Wow, and that's big for me, but I also didn't force her into it.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:43

Because my healing has never been contingent upon my parents. My healing, healing that little girl, little K, not big K, has always been contingent upon me needing to grow and be a better person and heal from all the traumatic experience, the abandonment, all of those things. I was responsible for that on my own. And I feel now that everybody's trying to force parents. And it's just hard for me to believe that every mother has caused you trauma.

SPEAKER_00 43:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:11

Because the estrangement right now, Raquel, majority of the people that are dealing with it are mothers.

SPEAKER_00 43:17

I would even go as to uh as far to say, like, no one gets through life unscathed, even as children. Because if we're not perfect human beings and we don't get to control how people respond to any of the things that we do, the likelihood of you stinging your kid somewhere is very high. Yeah. I think that professionals have a duty and a responsibility to help people find the balance with those conversations because the messaging today is if you're messed up, it's your childhood. Like everything about you is a reflection of your childhood. And it's not like I don't go to school with you, I don't play sports. With you, there are so many things that are shaping who we become. It's not just the household, it's it's it's the environment as well. But we know to be true that there are some things that are absolutely traumatic in terms of abuse. Some of the things that you mentioned earlier, being in a household, whether it's two parent or single parent household, and you see domestic violence and all those things, but the maid not making your bed or me not teaching you how to clean because we now have more resources. Right. And I promise you, those are the things that I hear. I've heard them, I've heard them too, like just reflecting on my own internal family struggles with just listening to everybody and just listening to how the younger generation, I guess they want to be seen, heard, and validated, but the way that they're going about it is completely different. Because if I were to validate anything, and I'm talking to my nieces right now, I would say that the world looks very different for them. They do have more resources than what we have. And I would say that my niece, she's she's amazing. Like she's going to be built for the for life and for the world, but it hasn't been easy because they do have technology. I do think that those things have a direct impact on them, but you're always going to have these external circumstances that are going to challenge who you are and who you're becoming. It does not mean that we succumb to teaching fragility or just like all of this victimhood. Like to me, that never goes. I can validate you, but I'm also going to call you up to rise.

SPEAKER_02 45:51

But the problem is, even with that, they don't want to be called up to rise. Or you know how many people come into my comments and they say things that are derogatory. I respond as the mirror to their comment. And then the the immediate, you're a bully. But you came and said what you said. And I'm like, the exhaustion that I feel, I can only imagine how parents feel when they're trying to communicate and have these conversations that are two-way conversations with their children. Yeah. They're validating their emotions, they're being accountable to whatever you're telling them they need to be accountable for, and it's still not enough. It's still not enough. I have done that even in the coming. I'm like, okay, Kendall, take a step back. Don't reply. Really, really think about this. And they will still come back and say something. And I'm like, did you not hear me? I literally agreed with what you said. I literally validated your experience and even supported you in your decision. So when does it become too much?

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Yeah. Okay, so you help mothers, women, reclaim their identity. Yeah. If there's a mom that is thinking about moving away or establishing boundaries with their their children or their child, what's one thing that they could do to start taking that step?

SPEAKER_02 47:28

Well, collectively, again, it's not an easy decision to step away from your child as a loving mother, right? I think you really need to sit down and look at all of the information emotionally that you are experiencing with that child. If you are in danger or you feel endangered, or you don't feel safe, or you're being severely disrespectful, that is your that is your cue to walk away. But there's so many moms, such as myself, that will still stick it out and thug it out because we're mom. So we're supposed to, we're supposed to tolerate that. Um I don't don't take that lightly, just making that decision to either step back from your kid or go no contact with your kid, because it's not an easy decision to make. You know what I'm saying? Um, so I would say definitely have and and then not only that, try to have a conversation. If you can have a conversation with your kid before you make that decision, and y'all can come to some mutual ground, I believe reconciliation and repair is it can happen. But then I know there's some cases that that is not that is not the conversation that is being facilitated because sometimes we're talking and telling them how we feel, or we're listening to their validation, but it's not reciprocated. So I think it makes it very challenging as it relates to that. My my my my encouragement to women is be empowered. I feel like a lot of mothers are are kind of weak when it comes to their kids. Be empowered. You don't have to tolerate chaos and disrespect all the time and toxic behavior because we carry the title mom. And that is what I'm trying to teach. As it relates to reclaiming their identity, find out who you are. A lot of us don't know who we are. Like I said, it took me a while to figure out who I am. I'm still figuring out who I am as an individual, not just as a mother. Um, and I think that's very important because too much we have wrapped too much of our identity up into our children, their validation. And that's why so many women are struggling with estrangement because when they don't feel needed anymore, there's a difference between being needed and wanted. And I think because they struggle with, I don't, they don't need me. And you don't want your kids to need you. As an adult, you want your kids to grow and you have given them the tools and you have given them everything necessary for them to not need you. I don't want my kids to need me. Yeah, I want them to want me to be a part of their life, or I want them. Hell, I want you to be a part of my life. Yeah, but I don't want to feel like we need each other, wherein we cannot make it, or we can't survive, or we cannot move forward in life without each other. I am a consultant. I'm sticking with that and I'm setting on that. So that's what I would tell them. And then I think also, too, a lot of moms are gonna have to, they're gonna have to learn how to move forward, whether there's reconciliation or not. And that's why I wrote the follow-up book, Moving Forward. Because you have to be able to move forward with in finding yourself again, but also even if there is or is not reconciliation, you still have to move forward.

SPEAKER_00 50:36

Moving forward sounds like it means holding pain and joy all at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 50:41

Yeah. And and they and we can do both.

SPEAKER_00 50:44

Yeah. We can do both. All right, tell the people where they can find you.

SPEAKER_02 50:47

You can find me on all social media platforms at moms. That's M-U-M-S-Tru-T. You can go on my website, momstrue t.com. My books are available both on my website and on Amazon for those of you that are prime members. I am just I'm excited. Like I'm excited to continue to move mothers forward and push them into their empowerment and not empowerment in a controlling way, but empowerment of your own emotions and your own healing. So that's where you can find me.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

All right. Well, thank you so much, Ken.

SPEAKER_02 51:20

Thank you for having me. I'm so glad I came to Houston.

SPEAKER_00 51:25

This conversation calls you to pause or reflect on how you're showing up in your own life. That's intentional. Capacity is revealed in the moments we choose engagement over retreat. Thank you so much for spending time with us. I'm Raquel Hopkins and this is Capacity Combos. If you're looking to continue to engage with me, I would encourage you to follow me on Instagram. You can search me by Raquel the Capacity Expert. It's Raquel underscore the underscore capacity underscore expert. Until next time.